Today was my last day..

Of working in a bad relationship.  I'm not speaking of a traditional relationship, I'm talking about my job, the place where I spent the majority of the last two years of my life.  Working for someone that was never going to be satisfied.

I worked for a small company, we had five employees that were in the office every day, then we had a couple of others who worked part time.  The part time employees were Moms who worked 2-3 days a week for a little balance in their life.

Yes, I too have children, but I worked full time as the second in command, if you will... so I didn't have much flexibility.  As a Producer, you work a lot of hours and I was prepared for that.  What I was not prepared for was working a lot of hours all the time.  I get putting in the extra time when a project calls for it - but the ad business ebbs and flows.  When there's down time, one should try to take advantage of it because soon enough, it's going to get crazy again.  I think it's important that a person have the ability to recharge their batteries, take care of themselves and spend quality time with loved ones.  I believe that a relationship between two parties should be about give and take.

I didn't graduate college.  In fact, I actually lived with friends during my senior year of high school so I could graduate and get out of the small town I grew up in.  I went to a community college for a couple of years but working early in the morning then going to school at night just wasn't my thing.  I tried it, I did, but I found myself falling asleep in class far too often for me to continue to work to pay for classes I wasn't passing.  I decided to take a break from school and figure a few things out.  I picked up a second job and worked to pay for my 325 sq ft apartment in Dallas, Texas!

While I was working my extra job, I met a young man whose father was a client of a large advertising agency in Dallas.  My friend was an intern at this agency.  I told him I had always thought about working in advertising (true story - I didn't even know what advertising was, but when I was in high school, we had to create tv commercials for a project... and I thought it sounded like something I would really like...).  My friend offered to submit my resume for an entry level position at the agency, and low and behold... a short time later, I found myself with a real job!

Fast forward about twenty years, I'm finally making great money, and you know what?  I want out.  All this time, I thought if I just made "X" amount of money, things will be better.  If I make six figures, I'll be so proud of myself because I didn't get a college degree, everything will be perfect.  I'll feel successful.  I'll be happy.

I wasn't happy.  That first year was really hard.  I was traveling a lot.  I missed my family.  My kids missed me.  We sold our house, bought a new house and my husband packed us and moved us while I was working.  That same year, my son asked me in all seriousness, if I would be home on Christmas Day.  I knew that the relationship wasn't right for many reasons.  I was asked to do things that I believed to be unethical.  Things that just didn't match up with my moral beliefs.  That made me feel as if I was a liar.  I was living my life as a wife and Mother, friend and neighbor, a Christian, a family woman, then I had my work life.  The life where the language was foul, the discussions were crude, the judgment came quick and the money was good.  I was living two lives.

There were a lot of days out of town, there were a lot of long days and late nights.  There were also weekends spent working.  I put myself into doing my best.  There was a lot I didn't know and unfortunately, there wasn't anyone there to teach me how things should be done.  What I didn't know, I made up for in effort.  That first year, I felt pretty stupid.  I often wondered how I could have been a producer for so long, and been successful - only to be a failure so quickly in this new role.  My boss seemed to be frustrated with me a lot.  I just couldn't figure out the right way to do things.  

As most relationships have ups and downs, this one did too.  There were times where we butted heads, we yelled at each other, we had discussions about mutual respect.  Ultimately, one of us had to change and for the sake of getting a paycheck, I felt that it should be me.  I was afraid of getting fired.

The second year started better, I actually learned to read the moods, keep my head down and avoid conflict.  I lost a bit of that fire in my belly too.  I thought it was best to go with the flow agree with the powers that be - and keep earning my paycheck.  After all, we had this new house to pay for.

As people who are in bad relationships do, I gained clarity one day.  It was almost as if a light bulb turned on.  I realized that I wasn't failing at my job, I was just working for someone who didn't communicate well.  They didn't know what they wanted, much less how to articulate their needs.  It wasn't me.  What a revelation!  Once the light was turned on, I realized that I was tolerating bad behavior for a paycheck.  What a terrible feeling.  I allowed myself to be verbally abused for payment.  When I thought about allowing anyone else to treat me the way I was treated by my boss, I wouldn't stand for it.  I would never tolerate anyone yelling "F*# YOU" to me.  No one.  I did allow it from my boss.  I allowed it because I didn't earn a college degree and I was making good money.

I allowed it because this behavior was somewhat familiar to me.  I moved out of my Father's house during high school because he had a bad temper.  I had friends whose parents took me in as their own child so I could have the basic needs:  shelter, food and a safe environment.

When the light bulb in my head came on, I felt pretty disgusted that I allowed to be treated this way again.  The problem was that I needed something else before I could move on.  I prayed for guidance, I prayed for a solution, I prayed for a new job.

Anytime I started searching for a new job, I just felt that I had nothing to offer.  Job descriptions seemed so overwhelming.  Job titles seemed unattainable.  I continued to pray for clarity.  I felt that God was telling me that in order to fully trust Him, I had to walk away from my current situation before He would reveal to me what was next.  Talk about grasping a hard concept...  I didn't listen at first.  I thought there was just no way.  How could I possibly jeopardize everything I have without having another job?  Without knowing where the money would come from?  Everything that is important to me?  The thing is that I was thinking about things.  Material things.  My bigger home that I really wanted.  The new car, the new clothes, etc.

What I was missing is that what is most important is that I do what is right by His word.  That I take care of my family.  That I be available to my husband and to my children.  That I be a member of this family that I am a part of.  After several months - and more prayers and finding a community group that has wrapped their loving arms around us and has lifted us up in encouragement and support, Brian and I both agreed that I needed to get out of the bad relationship so I could begin to heal and find myself again.

The moment the decision was made, it was as if a weight was lifted.  The moment I actually verbalized my desire to leave my company, felt like a TON of weight was lifted.  I didn't realize how much energy it takes to be two different people; the 'work me' and the 'home me'.

Today was my last day.  I don't know what's next.  I have no idea what my annual salary will be this year but I do know that my opinion of what success is will forever be changed.  I also believe that God has a great plan for me, He pulled me from a nasty situation as a teenager, gave me the desire and will to make a change for the better in my life - and I believe He is still working in me.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".